Aside

I can’t sleep.  No urprise there.  I broke down in tears a little bit ago.  I was sad.

 

I fell asleep not long after starting to write this.  I am tired of being sad, of being alone. It feels like it will never change.  I can’t take it anymore.  I need to find things to do.  My life can feel so empty.  I just don’t have any ideas.  Maybe you could give me topics to journal on.  I have this desire for you to know all of me.  I want to know all of you too.  It might give us a starting point for some good conversations.  Could you do that please?

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It’s 12:15 am.  I’m alone and scared.  Sleep seems so far off.  I want to kill myself.  Tomorrow I am going to go to the credit union and get the money I need for the hotel.  I hope you will be with me so I’m not alone.  I understand though if you can’t.  I can’t keep having days like today.  I just can’t.  It’s never going to get better.  I don’t know if they are ever going to call me for therapy.  It’s too late.  I am beyond fixing.  I sliced into my skin again.  I have no control.  Everything is over.  My world is not big enough.  I asked you not to go before you logged off.  It wasn’t even 8pm your time.  I’m left wondering if there is someone else you were going to talk to.  I needed you.

Aside

It’s almost 4am.  For the last few hours my mind has been on suicide.  I feel like I am in a hopoeless situation.  I need to find a place to live.  Keystone has already started pushing that.  Plus my own place is needed if we are going to be together.  The problem is I can’t afford anything more then a room somewhere.  I don’t want to rent a room.  I would rather be dead then stuck living in a room by myself.  If it is a room in Harrisburg I’ll be even more screwed because I will have no relible transportation.  I don’t think my mom is going to follow through with me moving down here.  I have no options.  I am looking at probably years alone if not forever.  I can’t deal with this anymore.  I feel no hope.  Only heartache and disappointment.  I can’t live in this fantasy where I’ll magicly find a place for us on my own.

Aside

I really want to find a way for us to be together sooner rather then later.  I think things would be better for both of us.  I just want to be with you so badly.  To feel and touch you.  To be held and cuddled.  To feel physically connected.  I’m going to talk to my mom and ask for her help in getting a place.  I really need this to happen.  You know I am not very patient.  I’m trying to be but I need to be active in moving towards being together.  I want your guidence in this.  I want to talk about it.  Make decisions.  Have real plans.  Maybe come up with a step by step plan.  To feel like we are really doing something.  I hope we can work on this.

 

I love you Daddy.

Your presence brings me comfort.  Just knowing You are there settles my nerves.  I am so grateful for You.  Last night made me so happy.  I was so scared to say I love You because I really didn’t think You would say it back.  I have a rule never to say it first.  The fear of rejection which could come in so many ways (I care about you too, thank you, etc) was so great in my mind.  But I had to express it.  I’ve been keeping it in since You let me call You Daddy.  I really like my experiences on SL too.  It’s fun and exciting.  I look forward to it every day now.  It gives me a new chance to look for ways to please You.  I’ve been looking for dresses today.  I want to get You a gift too.  Not sure what.  I am going to look soon after I eat and get my dresses sorted.  Thank you for everything You do for me.  You’ve given me hope for the future.  I know one thing for certain.  I want a future with You.  And I know together we can make that happen.  I love you!

I can’t sleep.  When I get emotional it usually affects how I sleep.  I rarely make myself tired which would be nice.  No, I can’t turn off my head.  I focus on how alone I am and how things seem like they will never change.  When I don’t have that immediate connection going on I feel disconnected.  I feel like You are never coming back.  It’s crazy I know and I don’t expect you to understand it.  It’s just the way my brain is wired.  Therapy may help with that.  At least I hope it will.  I experience it with other people too.  I haven’t talked to my mom today so I feel like she doesn’t care about me and that I may never talk to her again.  It’s a horrible way to think but it isn’t something I can just turn off either.  I really wish i could talk to you right now.  That is the emotional part of my brain.  If I could just talk to you everything would be ok.  Rationally I know you need sleep and you talked to me as much as you could.  Right now it feels like we will never talk again.  That I disgusted you so much that you won’t speak to me again.  I am so tempted to cut right now.  I know it would disappoint you so I am writing about how I feel instead.  I want you to know how I feel.  I want someone to know and acknowledge it.  To say they know this is very real to me but it’s going to be ok.  Then I want to be able to trust enough to believe them.  I don’t know if I am there yet.  I want to be.  I am so happy you let me call you Daddy.  It is comforting to me right now.  I know it was a big step.  It was so important to me.  And you said yes.  I am grateful for that.  I don’t want you to think I forgot about that.  I’m just scared though.  I am scared of being alone with my own thoughts.  They overwhelm me and confuse me.  My head is screaming at me that you hate me now and will leave me.  I keep telling myself that you said you will not leave.  I just need to trust that.  I get all upset over little things.  I’m not even sure what triggered it.  Maybe i saw it was getting later and I knew I wasn’t tired.  It’s Friday night too.  Weekends are hard.  I don’t know why they are different than any other time of the week.  There should be no distinction for me.  But there is.  Kind of like night time being hard.  I had nightmares last night too so that kind of makes me scared to go to sleep.  But I don’t want to be awake.  It’s frustrating.  I know it is frustrating to you too.  I’m sorry I’m like this.  When therapy starts I am going to address these things.  I just have to hold on for a bit.  Change isn’t going to happen overnight either with therapy.  It’s going to take time.  Progress may be slow at times.  I just need to keep working on it.  I have a DBT workbook.  I should pull it out and take a look at it.  I don’t know what to do now.  I am going to go back to my room and watch something.  I hope to establish a bedtime with your help and a time to get up.  I should have asked you that before you went to sleep.  I would like my bedtime to be around yours.  Ok I am going to stop writing now and go lay down to try to relax myself.  

I’m scared of getting sick again.  I don’t mean the meltdowns that last an hour or a few hours.  I mean the stay in bed for days, cry all the time, and obsess about suicide kind of sick.  Or the more rare so high that I think I can rebuild the World Trade Center, let’s go run off to the nearest biggest city and wander around all night by myself.  The depressed one happens maybe once a year and the high one hasn’t happened since 2002.  But the potential is there for both.  How will He handle that?  Will He become frustrated and leave?  Will He take care of me?  Take me to the doctor’s or just hold me and reassure me.  Will He ride the wave with me until it passes?  Does He understand that I don’t have control when this happens?  That He just can’t command me out of it?  I may require I go to the hospital which may mean a visit to the ER.  Will He stay with me in the ER?  Will He visit me in the hospital?  Will He pick me up and bring me home when it passes?  Or will He leave me to fend for myself?  Will it push Him away?  Will the other girls take up too much of His time that He won’t have time for me?  All of these questions float around in my head.  I need to know if He will stay through this.  I can handle it now if He says no.  I couldn’t handle it in the midst of it.  That is why I am asking now.  Will You stay?  Will You be my rock during the hard times?

Aside

I’m not quite sure what to write about.  It’s almost 3am and I am still very much awake.  I guess I could start with I’m not sure why Sir likes me or cares so much about me.  He’s a great man.  Smart, witty, comapssionate, kind, gentle, and so much more.  Not to mention He is not sore on the eyes.  I’m a big, fat, emotional, clingy, needy blob.  Ok, I am not a bad submissive.  I want to be a better one though and it feels like I don’t have much of an opportunity.  I am working on giving Him complete trust.  It’s a process.  I am so unsure of myself.  I said I wouldn’t hold back when we started talking.  That He would see the real me and not some fake, put on verison of me.  That way if He was going to run it would happen sooner.  I still worry about it though.  I meltdown a lot and that is hard to take long term.  Broken is cute for a little bit.  Guys are fixers by nature and hey look, a broken girl.  Let’s fix her.  It never works.  I have looked to men to save me over and over again.  I just end up getting hurt.  Do I think a good partner could help?  Yes, very much so.  I also think D/s will give me structure and security that I crave.  But in the end I am still going to be broken me.  I’m the only one who can fix that with the help of a professional.  It’s going to take time.  I didn’t get this way overnight.  There are still going to be threats of suicide and self harm sometimes.  There are still going to be tears.  And the fears are going to be there.  I’m going to push Him away at some point.  I will split.  I haven”t talked to HIm about that yet.  I don’t know how to bring it up.  I guess the best way to put it is Borderlines think in extremes.  People are either all good or all bad.  An all good person is of course human and will eventually fall short of the idealization I experience.  Then I will think they are going to hurt me so they must be bad.  Then they will do something nice and they will be all good again.  And so on.  I haven’t split on Him yet.  Maybe I won’t.  I don’t know and can’t promise I won’t.  I just hope He knows it will pass.  I don’t want to do it.  Right now it is something I have learned and I just need ot learn healthier relationship skills.  The therapy I am going to receive works on that.  There is a whole part on interpersonal skills.  I will write more about DBT sometime.  It is a very successful therapy to deal with what I have.  People who put the work in often come out no longer meeting the criteria for BPD.  So there is hope.  I want Him to know that.  I am not hopeless.  I am taking the steps needed to make changes.  There will be step backs.  Progress may be slow but I will get there.  I want to be someone worth loving.  That is my end goal.  Right now I don’t feel that way..