I’m not quite sure what to write about. It’s almost 3am and I am still very much awake. I guess I could start with I’m not sure why Sir likes me or cares so much about me. He’s a great man. Smart, witty, comapssionate, kind, gentle, and so much more. Not to mention He is not sore on the eyes. I’m a big, fat, emotional, clingy, needy blob. Ok, I am not a bad submissive. I want to be a better one though and it feels like I don’t have much of an opportunity. I am working on giving Him complete trust. It’s a process. I am so unsure of myself. I said I wouldn’t hold back when we started talking. That He would see the real me and not some fake, put on verison of me. That way if He was going to run it would happen sooner. I still worry about it though. I meltdown a lot and that is hard to take long term. Broken is cute for a little bit. Guys are fixers by nature and hey look, a broken girl. Let’s fix her. It never works. I have looked to men to save me over and over again. I just end up getting hurt. Do I think a good partner could help? Yes, very much so. I also think D/s will give me structure and security that I crave. But in the end I am still going to be broken me. I’m the only one who can fix that with the help of a professional. It’s going to take time. I didn’t get this way overnight. There are still going to be threats of suicide and self harm sometimes. There are still going to be tears. And the fears are going to be there. I’m going to push Him away at some point. I will split. I haven”t talked to HIm about that yet. I don’t know how to bring it up. I guess the best way to put it is Borderlines think in extremes. People are either all good or all bad. An all good person is of course human and will eventually fall short of the idealization I experience. Then I will think they are going to hurt me so they must be bad. Then they will do something nice and they will be all good again. And so on. I haven’t split on Him yet. Maybe I won’t. I don’t know and can’t promise I won’t. I just hope He knows it will pass. I don’t want to do it. Right now it is something I have learned and I just need ot learn healthier relationship skills. The therapy I am going to receive works on that. There is a whole part on interpersonal skills. I will write more about DBT sometime. It is a very successful therapy to deal with what I have. People who put the work in often come out no longer meeting the criteria for BPD. So there is hope. I want Him to know that. I am not hopeless. I am taking the steps needed to make changes. There will be step backs. Progress may be slow but I will get there. I want to be someone worth loving. That is my end goal. Right now I don’t feel that way..